Monday morning, comes a crawling in...

Firstly, I am fully on track with my Coffee plan. I have managed to make at least one of my coffee's a day for the last 4 days and have already planned out my morning hazelnut latte (its not on the chart, but it turns out I have coffee syrup) and French toast with golden syrup for the early morning I face.

I return back with in the familiarly, yet unkind walls of Blue Coat tomorrow after having a unplanned (to an extent) week off. Yes, this time last Sunday I was tucking up in bed in London; I'm not too sure if this is the accurate time, its a potential later, but in London there I was. I went on a visit to see my dear brother William who moved down there for uni.(see my previous post)  It was a nice plan, casually hanging out with my brother.. however with his 9-6 lectures I was left in the shaky, gray hands of a philosophical polish boy named Mowinski. Before catching my illness, I had a nice time with both Will and Danny walking around London, dropping in on Mowinski's Vardy lecture's (I'm sure much to the jealousy of SRH) and chilling out in that cinema that has a bar in Notting Hill - Which features in Notting Hill the film when Will (Grant) goes to the cinema to see Anna (Roberts) in her film. On closer inspection, I'm quite sure I sat in his exact seat as Hugh Grant. Pretty sweet eh!

Ah so yes, all was well till I caught a terrible cold and so when I arrived home was forced by father to take a couple of days off from college, and more importantly, a few days away from the fearsome Claire Bayley. It has actually felt the roughest, and I'm not a massive fan of sitting on my own for days, I end up getting caught up in my own thoughts, to the point that I'm insane because I left my journal in London. 

It's often, during these wasted days I end up contemplating life, or at least my life. I can understand nothing about it. Other peoples have some significance, but not mine. I cant decide weather I like it or I don't. Not really my life, but my characteristics, and sometimes I find that ugly about myself. At heart, I feel ashamed of my life.

I think its these interchangeable moods that adolescence is still giving me. I want to carry on with that stupid life style I had, that I write about so much because it seems so much more interesting. But I also can't face all of that, because I want to continue to build a stronger and closer relationship to God, and I cant do that living this seemingly more interesting life.

"I want no secrets, no spiritual conditions, nothing ineffable. I am neither a virgin nor a priest, to play at having an inner life."

Boom.

I've been angry lately, deeply angry. I would like any one of you kind friends to help me out here.. and try and work out why and do some of that psychology stuff to get to the core of me. That, or pray for me. I think its the stress of UCAS not getting back to me about any of my offers and this waiting game pushing me to actually make writing of this. 

Erm, but actually I'm feeling better, and this weekend got to see a fair few of my good friends via pub friday (in which, we didn't actually make it to the pub and ended up sat at Hedley's) and DPF's expensive birthday meal on Saturday and maybe when I get back to a normal day when I get the attention I clearly seek so much then life will be back to normal.

I love you all.

God Bless, L x

My new task.

I am about to go and print this off and put it next to the coffee cupboard and drink at least one of these drinks a day. (That is my plan at the moment, but it will probably take like 3 months) anyway, I found this blog browsing, and actually its perfect because the other day I accidentally opened the real coffee in search for instant coffee and mum started stressing about all the espresso going off. So dad's got the old stovetop espresso maker that i have never seen before out and now I need to drink it before it gets hidden away for years and goes away unappreciated.

Neighbours.

Really stressing me out. Its getting late in the evening, I'm trying to get all of my History coursework and English work out of the way (and, true, i guess my effort isn't at its up most, Issac and the film I put on are catching my attention) but mostly, every time I put pen to paper, I think about Neighbours.

Perhaps its because I'm doing my English Hamlet work and that's what the year 11's in Erinsborough High are studying that first set me off... I began to think about maybe the writers are trying to do a whole clever forshadowing thingy, what with Paul's very near death and Andrew's anger. Maybes its going along the Senecan Tragedy line..

Oh, I don't know. I don't even care.

Might talk more about Neighbours another time.

Lots of Love, L x

Can't put a price on a good nights sleep.

I have recently found myself becoming one of those people that get on the bus, grab the Metro or the Manchester Evening News, flicking way past all the important news at the front (or.. moderately important when it comes to the metro) and goes straight to the latest news on Cheryl Cole.  I don't know when this started, and Cheryl Cole is just an example, but I found myself reading and getting angry about an interview with Joe McElderry at one point (It is redic that him being gay has become news, it was known right from when he stepped on X-factor, surely.) but I then later referred to the interview in conversation. It's embarrassing, I always put myself as more of an Independent reader, or perhaps The Guardian; *heaven forbid one should read the daily mail, or the gossip section in the metro... I feel I have once again slipped into that habit of exaggerating everything; the danger of keeping a journal. I suppose that there's really not much wrong with reading the metro guilty pleasures articles, and I suppose I only bother to read it because I spend to much time with Samson.


This evening I am quite at ease, this hasn't been the case recently. For the last 18 months I have been suffering with back pain, I blame my mother, from as far back as I remember she's been complaining about her back. As much as I try to deny that we're at all similar in anyway and not related, I have clearly inherited a back problem. Over the last couple of days I've found sleeping really hard, so I decided to do as my mother said and go to the Chiropractor.


I've only got a locked back.


I don't even know what that means, but today my beaut chiropractor told me that in another 17 years I'm going to have a hunch back. I've already got one, is what he told me, Its unnoticeable to the eye (thank the lord) but I have a hunch all the same. It came as an illness does, not like an ordinary certainty, not like anything obvious. It installed itself cunningly, little by little, and now: I'm having 3 sessions of back re-alignment a week for a month, and then have physio after that at £30 each session.


So there we have it, looks like I'm not going to get car insurance ever after my spine has been fixed. On the upside, my doc is beautiful and rang me earlier to ask how I was feeling and he said he's looking forward to seeing me. I'm sure its just procedure, but I'd like to think he just loves me (I also wouldn't like to think so, as thats creepy and unprofessional.. but you understand)


Things are weird at the moment, I've been feeling different, happy, but more like me before Sixth Form. I feel distant from everyone. I don't mind to much, I miss going out getting drunk with Sam, I might have my ups and downs with the guy, but they were the highist ups (no pun intended) and the lowest downs.. and its feeling that freedom I used to feel. I've changed now, and its for the better, it's for my own best interest and for God, but when the people around me don't believe in God and then God feels so far away. I don't want to be now me, I'd rather be the twat that gets drunk all the time and has fun.


Think Alphas getting a grip of me. Alpha, Richard Dawkins and Tony Campolo. 


Tomorrow I'm supposed to be playing at the Spinners Arm's live music night. I'm also supposed to be going out clubbing on Canal Street for Sam's 18th. I'm also supposed to be having quality time with my dad and getting a take-away and watching a film. And its bonfire night.


I'm not sure where my priories are, I sort of just want to watch some fireworks.


God Bless, L x




* Quotation taken from Dot Rank.
* Some Sartre quotations stolen from "Nausea" too.