Firstly, I am fully on track with my Coffee plan. I have managed to make at least one of my coffee's a day for the last 4 days and have already planned out my morning hazelnut latte (its not on the chart, but it turns out I have coffee syrup) and French toast with golden syrup for the early morning I face.
I return back with in the familiarly, yet unkind walls of Blue Coat tomorrow after having a unplanned (to an extent) week off. Yes, this time last Sunday I was tucking up in bed in London; I'm not too sure if this is the accurate time, its a potential later, but in London there I was. I went on a visit to see my dear brother William who moved down there for uni.(see my previous post) It was a nice plan, casually hanging out with my brother.. however with his 9-6 lectures I was left in the shaky, gray hands of a philosophical polish boy named Mowinski. Before catching my illness, I had a nice time with both Will and Danny walking around London, dropping in on Mowinski's Vardy lecture's (I'm sure much to the jealousy of SRH) and chilling out in that cinema that has a bar in Notting Hill - Which features in Notting Hill the film when Will (Grant) goes to the cinema to see Anna (Roberts) in her film. On closer inspection, I'm quite sure I sat in his exact seat as Hugh Grant. Pretty sweet eh!
Ah so yes, all was well till I caught a terrible cold and so when I arrived home was forced by father to take a couple of days off from college, and more importantly, a few days away from the fearsome Claire Bayley. It has actually felt the roughest, and I'm not a massive fan of sitting on my own for days, I end up getting caught up in my own thoughts, to the point that I'm insane because I left my journal in London.
It's often, during these wasted days I end up contemplating life, or at least my life. I can understand nothing about it. Other peoples have some significance, but not mine. I cant decide weather I like it or I don't. Not really my life, but my characteristics, and sometimes I find that ugly about myself. At heart, I feel ashamed of my life.
I think its these interchangeable moods that adolescence is still giving me. I want to carry on with that stupid life style I had, that I write about so much because it seems so much more interesting. But I also can't face all of that, because I want to continue to build a stronger and closer relationship to God, and I cant do that living this seemingly more interesting life.
"I want no secrets, no spiritual conditions, nothing ineffable. I am neither a virgin nor a priest, to play at having an inner life."
Boom.
I've been angry lately, deeply angry. I would like any one of you kind friends to help me out here.. and try and work out why and do some of that psychology stuff to get to the core of me. That, or pray for me. I think its the stress of UCAS not getting back to me about any of my offers and this waiting game pushing me to actually make writing of this.
Erm, but actually I'm feeling better, and this weekend got to see a fair few of my good friends via pub friday (in which, we didn't actually make it to the pub and ended up sat at Hedley's) and DPF's expensive birthday meal on Saturday and maybe when I get back to a normal day when I get the attention I clearly seek so much then life will be back to normal.
I love you all.
God Bless, L x
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